So another day another miss. I don’ t know what to say. I am sad, embarrassed, and disappointed. Is there a word for that? Yesterday didn’t go so well either. I just can’t believe this is happening. So to catch you up- yesterday after he stormed off for work I didn’t hear from him until late in the afternoon. He sent me a text about an event he was doing that he wanted me to go to. I had planned on still going- went and got a spray tan and was going to be ready but I didn’t want to just show up without talking first. Given my fragile e-clo-motional state of mind I would have probably cried on the spot- so not business apropos. I figured I would wait and see and if I heard from him I would go. Am I wrong for expecting him to make a move? Earlier in the week he had told me he hadn’t planned on me attending so I didn’t think it was a big deal if I didn’t go. Well, he contacted me thirty minutes before the event was to start and I wasn’t ready to go so I told him to handle it. Also told him I didn’t want to deal with his BS in public.
Handle it he did. The event ended at 6:30 and did he come home after? No. Sent me a text at 7:30 that said out do dinner. Really? Another day we had on the schedule to do it out the door. I went to bed at 11 and he still wasn’t home. I heard him come in stumbling around the house obviously drunk. Pettily I locked him out of our bedroom which he somehow managed to open but slept in the other room. So he not only doesn’t show up at home, but also gets drunk which you are not supposed to do when trying to conceive because it can affect fertility. At this point the month is a total bust unless if by some miracle I happened to get pregnant the two times we did try. I have an appointment on Monday at the doctors and am dreading it. This is so humiliating of course I will be the one that has to deal with this. What am I going to do if I am not pregnant and they ask me questions about how often we tried? How embarrassing will it be to say oh- only twice – we had a huge fight and couldn’t put our differences aside. They will probably send me to a marriage counselor which we probably need. The worst of it is that I feel like we won’t be able to try again now and that everything I have put my body through is a total waste. I don’t even know what to do.
I got up this morning and came into work. He was in bed when I left and it is now 11 and he hasn’t shown up yet because he hung over. Seriously? Is he in college? I am dreading this weekend. I am so over all of this and have been trying to figure out a way to go away. I could go visit my mom for the weekend in OH or my dad who is in FL. I just feel like if I leave than I am walking away and that will make it worse but I really need a break. I am sitting at my desk and seriously could cry- I have no idea what he told the office on why I wasn’t at the event and am sure they know something is up. I’ll take reasons not to go into business with your husband for 500 Alex. I also need to confess that I think my credit card is on fire. When some people are upset they eat. I shop. I spent a good part of the evening cyber stalking Bergdorfs for a pair of Louboutins I am obsessed with. Then ordered a Tory Burch dress and went and got a mani/pedi. I am not going to lie it did cheer me up quite a bit. Is it wrong that I want to take one of his credit cards and purchase myself a Valentino bag for all of my trouble? I think it really would make me feel better. The reality of this all is that deep down I still hope that I am pregnant and none of this will matter. Are we the only people trying to conceive that can’t get it together? How did something start out so well and turn so horrible? I am so over it.