What to Expect When You are Not Expecting

My adventure of getting pregnant over 35 starting with clomid

A Letter to My Husband May 23, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sage Sloan @ 7:40 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I don’t know where to begin.  I am so sad that angers and tempers have had such a horrible affect on our lives.   I am beyond words and don’t know what to do.   I hate the fact that we can’t discuss our differences and that everything turns into a fight.   I am so sad that we missed the opportunity to start a family this month but after everything that has happened over the last few days I am truly wondering if we are even ready.   Let me first begin by saying that I love you and think you are an incredibly smart and creative person that in so many ways had made my life so enjoyable.   Neither of us are perfect and I know that my faults are many.  Where there is so much good between us the animosity and anger has put us in such a bad place.   I know you think you have every right to be upset with me for being so emotional lately and I understand that- but we made a commitment to start a family and a part of that process is using clomid.  Whether you understand it or not it has been a horrendous experience for me and caused me to be in an emotional place that quite frankly I haven’t experienced before.  I haven’t had bad periods in the past and a lot of this is new to me.   What I find so disheartening is the fact that I told you I was experiencing these things and instead of comforting me or helping me through it you got mad at me.   You could have easily shrugged everything off and remembered that my hormones are on overload and instead of engaging in a fight with me supported me.

I know how hard you are working and am so proud of you for the successes that you are having.  I feel like I have supported you in small ways by making sure you have a meal to come home to every night.  I don’t think I have complained about how much you work or gotten upset with you because we can’t do the fun things we used to do before.  I miss going out with you and laughing with you.  I also miss being close to you.   I don’t feel resentment for this just sad.  We both have a lot of stress on us but I thought having a family was a top priority and I have been trying my best to not stress out because it has such a bad affect on conception.  I want to tell you might point of view for the last few days and you may think me sending a letter is a copout but I really don’t think we know how to talk about these things.

I don’t know what to say.  I am sad, embarrassed, and disappointed.   Is there a word for that?   I just can’t believe this is happening.  I felt like you walked out on our family.   I feel like you got mad and put that ahead of starting our family.   Let me say that I do understand your point of view.   My hormones coupled with the fact that I have been working really hard for you made the rejection hard.   My client are increasingly difficult and a respect issues at work has always been an issue for us.  I don’t know if we will ever fix that.  I was frustrated because I have been trying to find you candidates and felt like you weren’t appreciating that by being so dismissive.   I recognize how hard you worked at your last firm and felt like you were robbed and I support your opinion on that and apologize if I let my feelings get in the way.

When you left and went to work I felt like you walked out on our family.  I know you don’t understand it but this whole process has not been easy for me.  The tests are painful, shots, blood being drawn are not at all fun.  Now my vision has been blurry and I lay awake at night scared that I am going to get a detached retina form this- which is a potential side effect of the drug- and not be able to see.   I haven’t talked to you about this because you don’t ask me how I am feeling and I feel like you will just tell me to toughen up.  I don’t think you will ever understand what it is like to only see out of one eye and that you see this as a fault in me or some sort of weakness.   I don’t want you to feel sorry for me but given the adjustments in life I have made for this would like your support.

Regarding the event-  I know that it was a simple mistake on the invite list but again another client that is treating me like shit and I wasn’t to excited about engaging with her- and hormones going crazy I took it out on you.   What can I say?   I would have for sure gone to this event but if I had shown up after everything that went down I would have cried and that would not have been very appropriate at business event.  Whatever our differences are we should always resolve them before we go to work because it is so unhealthy and unprofessional that we don’t.  I got a mani and pedi and was going to show up but when I didn’t hear from you all day it upset clo and I would have been a wreck.   What I could not believe is that you went out and got so drunk and didn’t come home.   We missed all of this time for conception and we can’t get it back.   You aren’t supposed to drink a lot and now all the days of potential ovulation are a miss.  What the hell am I going to do at the doctors on Monday?   Tell them that we took the pills but got in a fight and didn’t have sex every time we were supposed to?  This now feels like everything I went through was for nothing.  The shots, the pills, the emotions, peeing on myself at work and the money spent.  What a waste.

You may not agree with my reasons and I with yours but we should have been better-  I don’t know if they will give me another clomid prescription now and am crying as I say this.  I wanted us to have a family and I thought you did too but we have continued to screw it up by fighting.  I thought we were better than this.  I don’t want separate lives and silence.  I want a husband who loves me and wants to start a family with me that doesn’t think it is a chore.  We need to figure this out because we both know this is no way to live.

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