What to Expect When You are Not Expecting

My adventure of getting pregnant over 35 starting with clomid

I will survive! July 20, 2010

Is it me or does pregnancy seem like it happens in slow motion?   I mean you find out that you are pregnant your all excited and then you wait.  I am not even three months in and I already feel like this is taking forever.   I want action!  Can I be a Debbie downer for a second and have a little fun with this?  Is there really anything enjoyable about pregnancy?  I have been looking for the positive in this process but other than the amazing miracle of life growing inside, I can’t come up with anything and even that seems to get lost in the day to day minutia.  Anyone?   I am just not seeing it!  Magical time my ass!  There are no perks-   I can’t eat with reckless abandon because I am too concerned about what I am feeding the baby.   I am also worried about gaining too much weight and let’s not even talk about all the items that I am not allowed to eat- like the soft boiled egg I have been craving!  It’s funny but most food doesn’t even sound appetizing except the things I cannot have.  It is a joke to try and plan a weeks worth of meals when what sounds ok one day can make me want to hurl the next.  Last night I made steak fajitas for dinner- they sounded good when I marinated them the day before- and I couldn’t even eat them because I found them revolting -yet in thinking about them right now I could eat one- what is this all about?

Don’t even get me started on the non-stop exhaustion and forgetfulness.   I am so off my game lately- absent minded and out of sorts it’s a wonder I can keep it together at work.  I mean I am a normally a very detail oriented person but I find myself doing the silliest things.  Like for example the time I salted the black olives that I was serving for dinner when I meant to salt the tomatoes.  I also am normally obsessive about checking food labels for freshness and found that I put lemon juice that was expired in my water. Sick.  I almost sliced my hand open when cutting the inside of an avocado- what is up with that I am usually pretty adept with the cutlery. All in a day’s pregnancy work- so not my normal self.  Hubby told me he is about to ban me from the kitchen for fear I will hurt myself – which is huge considering how much he loves my cooking. See no joy here.  Oh wait, I did have a bowl of homemade pop corn the other night with melted butter-  it was amazing but of course I felt bad after eating it because I didn’t think it was a “healthy” snack for the baby and made myself eat something more healthy later which I thoroughly did not enjoy.  Will I ever actually enjoy guilt free meal again?   Are there any PL’s out there that have mastered this?  Please sensei tell me your secrets!

As if missing out on my love of food wasn’t enough there are also the activities…. I would love to go to Lollapalloza but since the street fair was such a disaster for me I can’t imagine enduring the crowd, heat, and smoke again so while all my friends are dancing to Lady Gaga I’ll probably be at home on the couch eating a bowl of popcorn and feeling bad about it.  Talk about caught in a bad romance!  Sucky.   Then you have shopping- a past time that once could bring light into my darkest days.  Now- not so much.   I can’t wear any of the cute clothes, I have to find styles that aren’t fitted and because my boobs are so enormous I need to go a size up in a lot of clothes  and then they don’t fit me right in other places.  I either look like a heifer in clothes that are too tight or a slouch in a potato sack- I can’t win!  Who wants to spend money on that?  I used to love the way I felt in a great outfit and now its kinda meh-  is this killing my inner fashionista softly?  It can’t be!  I love her!  The books say that I am going to start showing soon so I don’t even know what will look good in a few weeks and can’t even anticipate what I will need.  I already splurged on “preggy” handbags this season so I kind of feel like I need to hold off on any of those until fall.  I am trying to get some fashion inspiration but I think I am going to basically just be a black bitch with great accessories and bags, and by black bitch I mean someone that wears primarily black clothing.  A very Goth pregnancy! Or better yet I can channel Heart circa 1975. Its like I am a PL tweener stuck somewhere in between my pregnant self and my old self.  Maybe I need to look for a pregnant style icon. I think I will watch the season of Sex and the City where Carrie was pregnant in real life and see if I can pick up on any tips or I may never achieve pregnant and fabulous?

Now having said all of this I realize how lucky I am to feel like crap 24/7.  There are many woman out there trying to get pregnant that would tell me to get over it- I should know, I was one of them.  I am sure that it could be argued that I have no business complaining and that I should suck up and just enjoy the fact that I am pregnant.   Well I say boo to that.  I am grateful to be pregnant but it doesn’t change the fact that I haven’t had a day in three months without exhaustion or morning sickness.  I know it could be worse and I could be vomiting everyday but I am taking a stand for the pregnant women community- why should we suffer in silence?  We need to vent!  We’re hear we’re sick get used to it! This isn’t the 1950’s anymore we don’t need to suffer in silence- Where is the PL girl power?  I am not a martyr!  This is not fun it plain sucks. There is a reason men don’t get pregnant- I really don’t think they could handle it-but I will endure!  So tonight in solidarity to all the suffering PL’s out there I will bid my misery adieu and am going home to dance around the house while blaring my new pregnancy anthem:   “I will survive”- care to join me?


3 Responses to “I will survive!”

  1. Love this post, I’m totally with you, the first trimester SUCKS! There’s nothing “magical” about it. You’re sick and tired and have nothing to show for it, except a little pudge in your middle. Regular clothes are too small and maternity stuff is too big, and neither one looks quite right. Don’t feel bad about the popcorn, it’s actually a very healthy snack, even with a little bit of butter. How far are you, about 10-11 weeks? The worst should be over soon, then the fun starts. You’ll start to look pregnant instead of fat and the best part is you’ll start to feel the baby move. And you’ll get to find out what you’re having, if you choose to find out then. Then you go into the third trimester and that’s a whole other story!

  2. You are a very smart person!

  3. sagesloan Says:

    Thanks for the comments!

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