What to Expect When You are Not Expecting

My adventure of getting pregnant over 35 starting with clomid

Let’s talk about Sex Baby August 26, 2010

We had our sixteen week appointment yesterday and as usual  we asked a lot of questions.   The allergies I am experiencing are of course normal and I can take Claritin or Sudafed if want to.  Since I am going for pregnancy au natural I will do none of the above.   Other suggestions were to get an air filter in the rooms I spend the most time in.  I am sure that my Bernese Mountain Dog isn’t helping too much either with all his hair!  Time to take out the furminator.  We also did another round of genetic screening and this is the last one.   It was a blood test no big deal.  I  learned that my doctor will not do a scheduled c-section which I was kind of interested in so that is off the table.  Their rationale is that during a c-section because there is an incision there is a risk of damaging the uterus which could ultimately affect your chances of another pregnancy.  I did not know that.  I guess I will just have to get my back into pushing uhhh….we’ll save that for another entry- so not looking forward to that.  Add this to another one of my many issues!

We also got to hear the heartbeat again.  This time it was a lot stronger than before.   Because I have been a psycho about taking all these online gender tests I had to find out what our bpm were and it was around 160 bpm- nice!  I don’t know about you but we are anxious to find out the sex of our baby.  I feel like then I will truly be pregnant and can begin to plan names, rooms, outfits etc.  Our doctor told me that none of the old wives tales are legitimate and that the most accurate way to find out is at the twenty week ultrasound.  She said that we could do an ultrasound sooner and at our own expense- but that they are hard to read and often inaccurate for that reason.  She said that the 3D ultrasounds are better in the last trimester because you can see so much more detail and that she wouldn’t recommend one until much later if we wanted to go that route.  Apparently the intelligender test is highly in accurate and all the other wives tales are just plain that tales….  Personally I don’t really care if we have a boy or girl- I would be excited about either- I am sure it will matter much more on our second.  My hubby really wants a boy so for that reason alone I am hoping it is a boy.   Also we have this extremely annoying sig ot in our family that keeps insisting it is a girl and I would like to prove him wrong.  I mean he seriously acts like he knows for sure it is a girl and is very uppty about it-  so annoying.  I highly doubt he has some sort of special psychic power to know this information and he knows hubby wants a boy- so shut up already.  Additionally all the online tests I take say it is a girl too so it will be interesting to see how this pans out.

Are you familiar with the whole hamburger turtle analogy?   Apparently that is how you tell the sex on an ultrasound.  Pretty funny.  The girl’s lady parts look like a hamburger and the boy’s manilihood looks like a turtle.  Who knew I was once a hamburger? Will the turtle come out of its shell?  From what I understand on ultrasounds done earlier than 18 weeks they are hard to read – I mean the parts are so tiny now so as time goes on and the baby grows it is easier to tell.   Isn’t funny how obsessed we get with looking at a baby’s privates?

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WTF May 25, 2010

Ok today was nothing like I was expecting.  So as you know I had my appointment with the doctor today.  Let’s just say that my expectations could not have been met less.  Apparently there was some sort of error when the nurse called me last week to discuss my payment and potential ultrasound.  She thought I was coming in for a pre-conception test not a clomid follow up.  So I go in today and do I get an ultrasound or meet with a doctor?  No,  a PA, a new person in the process who seemed almost as confused on the reason for the visit as I was.  Seriously- they need to get it together.  Is there no Doctor’s office in Chicago that can keep track of my fertility cycle?  Am I asking for too much?   Prior to my appointment,  I searched the internet today and couldn’t find a single thing that would tell me what to expect in this doctor’s appointment.  Nothing. So ladies I am here to tell you what to really expect.

We have already discussed the importance of the ovulation predictor kit.  I cannot stress the importance of this enough. Anything else really shouldn’t even be sold.  Despite my issues with the sexy time with my husband I can tell you I still do not feel confidence in whether or not my surge was a positive and when and if I even ovulated this month. Get the clear blue easy enough said.    It t is just common sense that you need to know for sure, without a doubt.  You should start the ovulation kit based on your shortest cycle.  Even if it was a year ago, start on the shortest cycle there is no room for doubt here.  Keep testing until you see the smiley face and then call your doctor.  Have sex.  Next month we are going to start the day we start the ovulation kit and keep going at it until I don’t yet know when. Keep at it.  Don’t be petty like us and power through.  You only get so many chances and a miss just isn’t worth any fight.  I found this out the hard way.  At the rate I am going I could be looking at a stronger prescription and  will probably end up as the next octomom.  A week after the smiley face,   go in for a progesterone test- nothing else.   This test is used to evaluate the “strength” of your ovulation.  You will not get an ultrasound or find out if you are pregnant, you will, like a lab rat, just be monitored.

Ok so here is the skinny on what I was told about some of the symptoms I thought I had and some of my personal discoveries.  Sensitive teeth?  Clomid related?  I think not.   I figured that one out.  I couldn’t find a single story online that would support this.  What I deduced is that I had been using a plumper lip gloss that I just got around the time I started clo and that was affecting my teeth.  So fear not- no need for the sensodyne.  The whole vision thing.  I don’t know what to tell you, I felt like things were blurry for me.  It may have been psychosymetic or a side affect or maybe clo jus t thought it was more prononouced since I am on a constant hormone high.  The PA told me that she never heard of retina issues and if wee need to go another month, we can cross that bridge when we come to it.  At that point I will need some answers.  So what else…No discussion on the mood swings, oh I did ask if I can still have the vino and was basically told the same old same old moderation story- success- so this Memorial Day weekend I can get my drank on moderately.  So what next you ask??? I big fat nothig.   I wait another week and see if flo comes to town.  I am thinking are you kidding me?  My crazy is already starting to surface.  I asked when to told and you will  love this response-  when I would normally get my period  Hello-  If I knew when I normally got my period I wouldn’t be in this situation- I am doing this because my periods are irregular!!!!!!!! Seriously- now I need to revisit the ov calendar to figure out when to start the pregnancy tests.  Can I just say that I think Costco needs to sell the following in bulk:  ovulation predictor kits (only clear blue easy) and pregnancy tests.   If flo does decide to show up I am supposed to go to the doctor for more tests within three days.  So the wait is on….. Arghhh.

Btw no one asked me when we did it or ever talked to me about what days we were supposed to do it on.  Is this really such a taboo subject at the gyno?   As much as it scared me to answer I was really surprised I was never asked- all the concern is on the medicine and I am after all a patient.  I am hoping for the best this month but definitely will be more prepared for next.  So until then I am sure I will just sit here imagining pregnancy symptoms- I’ll report on them stat!

 

Move it along May 23, 2010

So I sent the letter and as you can guess we made up.   He felt awful.  Kind of felt like he should have brought me flowers….he didn’t.  I guess the Marc Jacobs bag I ordered this week will just have to make up for it!  I haven’t been married a long time but feel like since we work together we have spent more time together than most couples do in ten years- well ok maybe five.   What I have learned is that I will probably never change my husband.  He is whI o he is and I am who I am.  He is very temperamental and is extremely stubborn and I am pretty stubborn myself.  Not a good mix.  What matters is how we deal with each other.  He really needed a yes wife which I am not.  But he also loves that I stick up for myself and wouldn’t respect the yes wife.  I am trying to find our balance.  We are a team and need to work together.   I am totally dreading going to the doctor tomorrow but it is what it is.

I think I am going to see if there is another pill option other than clomid- one that doesn’t freak me out about going blind.  Hopefully I am pregnant and it won’t matter but you never know.  The first time I was preggers I found that I felt faint and tired.  Last night I fell asleep on the couch and thought I was going to die when I went upstairs to be.  This could be from the wine that I had or could be a sign.   I did have a couple of glasses yesterday given the situation and am still hoping I am pregnant!   I started reading Bethanny Frankel’s book  yesterday on being naturally thin, in conjunction with my whole healthy living concept.   So far my take away is that I like her theories but don’t agree on some of her ingredients. In particular she seems to use a lot of soy milk which I have read mixed things on…but he she just had a baby and got pregnant unexpectedly so maybe I a should give soy a chance!

Tonight he is coming home from work early and we are going to have a nice dinner on our roof top deck.  I can’t believe it is 90 degrees out!  Hopefully  a good meal and little sunshine will put things right between us again.  BTW-  this could be clo but normally I would hold a grudge with him so much longer than this- maybe I am just so needy for support that I am moving along a lot quicker- maybe I just need a friend in all of this.

 

A Letter to My Husband

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sage Sloan @ 7:40 pm
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I don’t know where to begin.  I am so sad that angers and tempers have had such a horrible affect on our lives.   I am beyond words and don’t know what to do.   I hate the fact that we can’t discuss our differences and that everything turns into a fight.   I am so sad that we missed the opportunity to start a family this month but after everything that has happened over the last few days I am truly wondering if we are even ready.   Let me first begin by saying that I love you and think you are an incredibly smart and creative person that in so many ways had made my life so enjoyable.   Neither of us are perfect and I know that my faults are many.  Where there is so much good between us the animosity and anger has put us in such a bad place.   I know you think you have every right to be upset with me for being so emotional lately and I understand that- but we made a commitment to start a family and a part of that process is using clomid.  Whether you understand it or not it has been a horrendous experience for me and caused me to be in an emotional place that quite frankly I haven’t experienced before.  I haven’t had bad periods in the past and a lot of this is new to me.   What I find so disheartening is the fact that I told you I was experiencing these things and instead of comforting me or helping me through it you got mad at me.   You could have easily shrugged everything off and remembered that my hormones are on overload and instead of engaging in a fight with me supported me.

I know how hard you are working and am so proud of you for the successes that you are having.  I feel like I have supported you in small ways by making sure you have a meal to come home to every night.  I don’t think I have complained about how much you work or gotten upset with you because we can’t do the fun things we used to do before.  I miss going out with you and laughing with you.  I also miss being close to you.   I don’t feel resentment for this just sad.  We both have a lot of stress on us but I thought having a family was a top priority and I have been trying my best to not stress out because it has such a bad affect on conception.  I want to tell you might point of view for the last few days and you may think me sending a letter is a copout but I really don’t think we know how to talk about these things.

I don’t know what to say.  I am sad, embarrassed, and disappointed.   Is there a word for that?   I just can’t believe this is happening.  I felt like you walked out on our family.   I feel like you got mad and put that ahead of starting our family.   Let me say that I do understand your point of view.   My hormones coupled with the fact that I have been working really hard for you made the rejection hard.   My client are increasingly difficult and a respect issues at work has always been an issue for us.  I don’t know if we will ever fix that.  I was frustrated because I have been trying to find you candidates and felt like you weren’t appreciating that by being so dismissive.   I recognize how hard you worked at your last firm and felt like you were robbed and I support your opinion on that and apologize if I let my feelings get in the way.

When you left and went to work I felt like you walked out on our family.  I know you don’t understand it but this whole process has not been easy for me.  The tests are painful, shots, blood being drawn are not at all fun.  Now my vision has been blurry and I lay awake at night scared that I am going to get a detached retina form this- which is a potential side effect of the drug- and not be able to see.   I haven’t talked to you about this because you don’t ask me how I am feeling and I feel like you will just tell me to toughen up.  I don’t think you will ever understand what it is like to only see out of one eye and that you see this as a fault in me or some sort of weakness.   I don’t want you to feel sorry for me but given the adjustments in life I have made for this would like your support.

Regarding the event-  I know that it was a simple mistake on the invite list but again another client that is treating me like shit and I wasn’t to excited about engaging with her- and hormones going crazy I took it out on you.   What can I say?   I would have for sure gone to this event but if I had shown up after everything that went down I would have cried and that would not have been very appropriate at business event.  Whatever our differences are we should always resolve them before we go to work because it is so unhealthy and unprofessional that we don’t.  I got a mani and pedi and was going to show up but when I didn’t hear from you all day it upset clo and I would have been a wreck.   What I could not believe is that you went out and got so drunk and didn’t come home.   We missed all of this time for conception and we can’t get it back.   You aren’t supposed to drink a lot and now all the days of potential ovulation are a miss.  What the hell am I going to do at the doctors on Monday?   Tell them that we took the pills but got in a fight and didn’t have sex every time we were supposed to?  This now feels like everything I went through was for nothing.  The shots, the pills, the emotions, peeing on myself at work and the money spent.  What a waste.

You may not agree with my reasons and I with yours but we should have been better-  I don’t know if they will give me another clomid prescription now and am crying as I say this.  I wanted us to have a family and I thought you did too but we have continued to screw it up by fighting.  I thought we were better than this.  I don’t want separate lives and silence.  I want a husband who loves me and wants to start a family with me that doesn’t think it is a chore.  We need to figure this out because we both know this is no way to live.

 

A new word for over May 21, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sage Sloan @ 4:18 pm
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So another day another miss.   I don’ t know what to say.  I am sad, embarrassed, and disappointed.   Is there a word for that?  Yesterday didn’t go so well either.   I just can’t believe this is happening.  So to catch you up- yesterday after he stormed off for work I didn’t hear from him until late in the afternoon.  He sent me a text about an event he was doing that he wanted me to go to.  I had planned on still going- went and got a spray tan and was going to be ready but I didn’t want to just show up without talking first.  Given my fragile e-clo-motional state of mind I would have probably cried on the spot- so not business apropos.  I figured I would wait and see and if I heard from him I would go.   Am I wrong for expecting him to make a move? Earlier in the week he had told me he hadn’t planned on me attending so I didn’t think it was a big deal if I didn’t go.   Well, he contacted me thirty minutes before the event was to start and I wasn’t ready to go so I told him to handle it. Also told him I didn’t want to deal with his BS in public.

Handle it he did.  The event ended at 6:30 and did he come home after?  No.  Sent me a text at 7:30 that said out do dinner.  Really?  Another day we had on the schedule to do it out the door.   I went to bed at 11 and he still wasn’t home.   I heard him come in stumbling around the house obviously drunk.  Pettily I locked him out of our bedroom which he somehow managed to open but slept in the other room.   So  he not only doesn’t show up at home, but also gets drunk which you are not supposed to do when trying to conceive because it can affect fertility.  At this point the month is a total bust unless if by some miracle I happened to get pregnant the two times we did try.   I have an appointment on Monday at the doctors and am dreading it.  This is so humiliating of course I will be the one that has to deal with this.  What am I going to do if I am not pregnant and they ask me questions about how often we tried?  How embarrassing will it be to say oh- only twice – we had a huge fight and couldn’t put our differences aside.  They will probably send me to a marriage counselor which we probably need.  The worst of it is that I feel like we won’t be able to try again now and that everything I have put my body through is a total waste.  I don’t even know what to do.

I got up this morning and came into work.  He was in bed when I left and it is now 11 and he hasn’t shown up yet because he hung over.   Seriously?  Is he in college?  I am dreading this weekend.  I am so over all of this and have been trying to figure out a way to go away.  I could go visit my mom for the weekend in OH or my dad who is in FL.  I just feel like if I leave than I am walking away and that will make it worse but I really need a break.  I am sitting at my desk and seriously could cry- I have no idea what he told the office on why I wasn’t at the event and am sure they know something is up.  I’ll take reasons not to go into business with your husband for 500 Alex.  I also need to confess that I think my credit card is on fire.  When some people are upset they eat.   I shop.  I spent a good part of the evening cyber stalking Bergdorfs for a pair of Louboutins I am obsessed with.  Then ordered a Tory Burch dress and went and got a mani/pedi.   I am not going to lie it did cheer me up quite a bit.  Is it wrong that I want to take one of his credit cards and purchase myself a Valentino bag for all of my trouble?   I think it really would make me feel better.  The reality of this all is that deep down I still hope that I am pregnant and none of this will matter.  Are we the only people trying to conceive that can’t get it together?  How did something start out so well and turn so horrible? I am so over it.

 

Make Love not War May 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sage Sloan @ 4:23 pm
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The only thing my husband has to do is to have sex and not fight with me.  I am the one that has to get the tests, track my cycles, make a schedule,  do the daily pee test, get blood test,  buy the tests, pay for the medical expenses, experience  blurred vision, and have mood swings.   All he has to do is have sex and he missed it.  I thought men were supposed to be perpetually horny before I got married.  Not in our case. We work together and had an argument about work at home.   He acted like a huge baby – you would think he was the one on hormones.  He is also a mean fighter which doesn’t help matters.   So I tell him that I don’t want to be around him for awhile and go upstairs.  Thinking that at some point- knowing we were supposed to do it- which we talked about before the fight, I thought he would come up and take care of business.   How wrong I was.   Watching TV I waited and waited- finally at 11:30 I go to bed only to find that he is already there!  Are you fucking kidding me?  Pardon my French but I was incredulous.  My husband is in a start up company and works a lot of hours and has a lot of business stress- I recognize this but feel like it is no excuse for missing an ovulation day.   He came home in a bad mood, fixed himself a bourbon. We hardly spoke yesterday and what makes me even more mad about this is that he is helping his mother with her divorce and can take the time from work to help her but not on our family?   Am I a crazy person?   Is this wrong?  Is this clo talking?   When we decided to do clomid this was to be our number one priority and it just doesn’t seem like it is for him.

So when I got in bed I woke him up to tell him that he hadn’t let the dogs out-  he got up let the dogs out, came back to bed and not another word went back to sleep.   This is hard to handle at any time but even worse when clo is in town.  I was so furious I almost got up and slept in another room.  I tried to talk to him but no answer.  Do I have to wake him up to have sex with me?  He hasn’t had much of a sex drive and we had a long dry spell before I got pregnant.  The only time we have sex is when we are trying. We havent’ had sex for the fun of it in a long time so this is already a hard spot.   When I have tried to discuss this with him he tells me that it is just stress.   I know this is wrong but I feel like if he doesn’t want to have sex with his wife than maybe we shouldn’t get pregnant in the first place.

So it gets better-  he wakes me up early in the morning and says are you ready?   Got up brushed his teeth gets back and bed and says we should do it and attempts to make light of the situation.  He just lays there waiting for me to do something.  Doesn’t touch me doesn’t kiss me- NOTHING- lays there! So this infuriates me- I already feel like we missed the boat because we didn’t do it the night before and his lackadaisical approach is so frustrating.  So a fight ensues for an hour and then he gets up in gets in the shower.   I storm into the other room and start working.  Wait for it….there is more.  He then comes in and says he will make it a priority and go in late to work- again doesn’t hug me anything- walks into the other room and is laying on the bed and says come in here.   I go in the room and he lays there waiting for me to do something-  are you kidding me?  I swear to god he has the moves of a teenager and the sex drive of a senior citizen.  He then takes his clothes off and says get on.  Not wanting to miss the opportunity I do and here is the kicker as we are starting to go for it HE ASKS ME IF I BRUSHED MY TEETH!  Which I had, so I start crying and he freaks out and tells me that I am crazy and leaves and goes to work.   Now we have not done it in two days during this crucial time and if we don’t get pregnant I’ll feel like it is his fault.  Please tell me if I am crazy?

 

Speak Easy

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sage Sloan @ 4:21 pm
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So I am literally in the middle of the cycle.   I took some pills and now am waiting for the magic to happen.  At this point I think I already had my surge and am actually ovulating possibly even today.  My little egg could be making friends with a little sperm as we speak.   I do want to mention that for the last few days I totally felt like my eyes were strained and vision a bit on the blurry side.  I have read that this happens and I am trying to take it in stride.  But, I find that I have the hardest time falling asleep because I keep feeling like my eyes are strained.  On a positive note,   I did find the most amazing ovulation predictor kit today.   Clear blue easy.  Where has this been all my ovulation life?  I mean how cute is it-  it is digital and gives a smiley face if you are in surge mode.  If not just a circle.   Easy breezy.  This is a god send and If I can give any advice it would be to get this kit.   I was using another brand and it was super hard to figure out.  Spend the extra ten dollars for the digital it is totally worth it!

So my nurse called and said that I need to see the doctor in a week.  I had to get my insurance approved for a potential ultrasound and will meet this years deductible.  So In a week I will know about my pregnancy!  Amazing, I am pretty excited that it is so controlled now and that I won’t be tempted to take pregnancy tests a week before I should.  Which- I have totally done before.  There will be no need to obsess like I usually do.  This I like.   Today, my Mom told me that she saw a show where a 70 year old lady got pregnant which I found gross and inspirational all at the same time-  see anything is possible!  Speaking of moms, do any of you find this is a particularly difficult time to talk to your mom?  I find that as I have gotten older my relationship has changed and that I have my point of view that doesn’t really go with hers.  This is a struggle with because I used to depend on her for emotional support and now when I need it I don’t have it.  My mom feels like it is about her.  When I was first pregnant I asked my mom not to tell people.   But because she felt like she needed to talk to someone about it she did.  After I figure out she told people she then lied to me about who she told.  You can imagine how wonderful it was at Christmas when my uncle came up to congratulate me on getting pregnant-  mind you I had the miscarriage a month prior.   Two other of my aunts who allegedly didn’t know felt like Christmas would be the perfect opportunity to talk to me about it.  Over the last year there have been more of these instances so because my mom feels the need to tell everyone everything I don’t really feel comfortable talking to her about what is going on with me. Here is another good one my mom calls me the other day and says she is worried about my nephew getting his girlfriend pregnant and isn’t it funny that my sister and cousin(who talks mean about me all the time) tell her not to worry-  if he does get her pregnant-I can take the baby because I don’t have one.  Seriously- why would my mother tell me these thing???  I want to keep nothing but positive vibes around myself and just don’t feel like my aunts and cousins have the same intent.  Since my mom can’t keep things to herself…I have to keep this to myself.